Thought: Mindfulness doesn't mean thinking about my weight all the time.

Weight: 271.2 -2

I feel: optimistic...and a little sore

Mindfulness is a form of focus. When you are mindful, you are in the moment. You are aware.
I am trying to incorporate this trait into my everyday life. You see, this journey isn't only about my eating habits or that I don't exercise. I am looking at changing my lifestlye and way of handling my day to day life. The more I am mindful about all the things I have going on, the more control I feel.  I am starting small, with the physical, and am hoping that branches out into more. Journaling helps as it gets me into the self analysis mode.
Today I tried to be mindful of my breathing and my walking/posture when walking. I also paid close attention to how I moved and breathed during my workout today. I tried to listen to my body as iI moved around. I have bad knees and my hips hurt sometimes too as I am dancing around...but I am able to battle through. I was mindful and focused on the steps, where my feet were supposed to go. I felt the sweat dripping down my face, neck and body. I felt my muscles tighten and stretch. I am not in pain...I am just moving parts that need some oil.

I am pleased with myself today. I continue to get supportive notes from my friends, some of whom have decided to start blogs of their own. I am happy that I have kept up with the workouts.
Good notes:

• I drank a 32 oz bottle of H2O and half of another today. I also stopped drinking sodas.
• Tankgirl and I met with the advisor for a PhD program we are looking into. I felt...serious, adult, smart and a little intimidated...not by the people...but by the thought of the immanence and size of this monster.
• I am starting to pay attention to labels

Overall I am feeling good. I am happy too.
Onward.

Thought: Every time I see a fat girl in too-tight clothes, I think to myself, "She does not have a best friend."

Weight: 273.2 -2.8

I feel: supported

Luckily...I do. More than a handful, in fact. Tankgirl, Chalkmama, PhadThai, Rowdy, Krispy and CrazyCracker are my closest friends. Each will tell you that I have picked the perfect alias for them. :)

Tankgirl has a strength only challenged by my mother's...she can bulldoze thru anything and is an inspiration.
Chalkmama is my artsy soul sister and close confidant.
PhadThai is pretty hot and dirty...haha! and a super friend that I can talk to about anything.
Rowdy likes to claim that she is not...but I know different.
Krispy is the kind of friend who really thinks about you, total sweetheart.
Crazy Cracker gave herself her own alias...because she is crazy...and I love her.

These ladies know everything there is to know about me...almost...even some of my really deep dark secrets...and they love me anyway.
I ended my blog yesterday with the statement that I needed to get my social support in place. Now this is tuff for any of you who are like me and are in denial that you are fat. :) I totally say that with love; but going out to my email, cutting & pasting a link to this, my fabulous phat foodiness, and then going thru my email list to see...who? Who can I send this to that won't be embarrassed for me? Who I know I can count on, that I won't feel judged? Who do I know I can trust with whatever secrets I put in here?  Doing that took alot of me.
But I did it and sent it out to select friends and family that I knew I could count on. And they haven't let me down. I also sent it to my Samurai. He knew I was doing this, but I hadn't let him in. I know I have to if he is going to help and support me in this.

Good news: I am back on the wagon with exercise. Did it yesterday and today, AND I almost got all the damn dance aerobics steps down. I am also doing a 10 minute kick-boxing routine that is good for my upper body. I have been a little more conscious about my food as well.

It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get up, right?
onward.

Thought: I'm doing something wrong...I'm doing something wrong...

Weight: 276.2 + 4.1

I feel: ugh! like such a loser!

This was all I wrote last night. A title...my weight...my emotions.

If I am going to get better and really do battle with this demon, then I need to analyze what went wrong. That is my task for today.

• 
  
  I lack intrinsic motivation.
• 
  
  I allow myself to get distracted from my goal.
• 
  
  I rationalize that I can skip, miss, or cheat.
• 
  
  I lose control of my eating.

How did these things play in my actions and behaviors?

I stopped exercising. Only did it 2 days, Tuesday and Wednesday. I haven't exercised other than some great sex...which is nice of course, but not going to get me great thighs alone. Why? I used the 'I'm too tired' excuse the first night. However, I did work on that budget, which is a plus; that doesn't mean I couldn't have continued on to exercise later that evening. The following days and weekend were just easier to ignore the nagging thought that I should be doing something with my body.

I basically went off my diet...did some sticking to the plan but for the most part...not at all...and I binged...the ugly secret that I have only talked about in detail with my best friend, TankGirl. I have grazed over it with my mom and talked about it with Samurai...talked to the counselors at my former job about it. Emotional eating's ugly cousin, Binge Non-Purge Disorder. I ate when no one was looking. I ate when Samurai was gone. I ate when he was playing x-box and wasn't paying attention. I even caught myself thinking, "what can I eat that he won't notice." and when I tried to stop and analyze that...confront it...I made a peanut butter and jelly sammich instead. This is going to be a big demon to conquer, and heal. I don't know if I am ready, but I don't think I have a choice at this point. 276 is close to 280 and that is frightening to me.

I didn't plan a menu for this week. I sat at the table last night with my writing journal open...staring at the page. I was feeling dejected and fat and sleepy. I figured I would conquer this animal today. I started the day with cheerios and milk, I have had some coffee, and I brought Progresso Soup for lunch. I just found out that I am going to have to save the soup for tomorrow because I have a lunch meeting before a big staff meeting at 2pm. We will be going to a Mexican restaurant, so I think i will have the Chicken Caldo (soup) as that will probably be the healthiest thing on the menu...maybe a salad.

I did almost no housework this weekend. I cleaned the kitchen last night...3/4 of the way as pots and pans didn't fit in the dishwasher so I left them soaking. I ignored the laundry. I pretended the pile of clothes in the bedroom that needs to be hung up was invisible. I stepped over little piles of dirt, pet hair, papers and crap that we swept up into corners of the room but never scooped up to toss out. So many other things of course around the house that need to get done, but these are the ones I know I consciously avoided this weekend. Why? Because no one comes to my house and so I generally don't have to worry about it. This is a great excuse, but a shitty and totally non-valid reason. I don't want to live like that...I was raised better than that and I expect more from myself.

So, What am I going to do about it? I need to keep calling myself out for my choices and behaviors. I need to keep writing and talking to myself about what I am doing and why. I need to seek out the support of others that are going thru the same thing. I need to reach out to my friends so they can help me too. I need to take some time to look at each of these issues and keep digging to find the deeper issue as well. Only thru the discovery of self, the acceptance of my foibles, and true effort to create change in myself will I be able to reach my short and long term goals.

Onward and Upward.

Thought: Again with the damn best laid plans...

Weight: 272.1 -4.1

I feel: confuzzled

Wednesday Sept. 8, 2010-just realized I never posted this...duh!!
How do you lose 4 pounds in one day?
high blood pressure medication + diuretic = pee all day

So I know it's all water fluctuations but I am still stoked because I am that much closer to getting back under 270.  I didn't mention this before, but although I committed myself to my goal on Labor Day, I have been working on this effort since early August. It took 3 weeks of mediocre effort to convice me I was going to have to attack this in the way all the experts say will work, the way I KNOW this will work, and the way I totally didn't want to do this because it takes EFFORT and I am lazy. :)
ugh with the honesty, even...
but this is how we grow.
So, 4 weeks ago, I started walking every morning for a week and started a Workout Wednesday with my best friend at her house. I took a salad for lunch every day and was trying to be more mindful of what I ate. Then the weekend hit, I didn't walk...I didn't go grocery shopping so we ate out...blah blah and so the excuses begin for why I laxed, haven't walked, missed Workout Wednesdays. Excuses is what I call it...but in reality, it is just easier to say...eh fuck it.
However, the small amount that I did complete got me down to 267 for 3 consecutive days. That was significant to me.
Honestly, just getting that 7 to change to a 6 and stay that way for awhile is going to feel so good. I am angry at myself for letting my weight get this out of control. I rationalized for years that I looked basically the same and I was just fluctuating the same 10 pounds over and over. But those 10 pounds brought me from 240 in 2002 all the way to 272.1 in 2010. My base weight is getting higher and higher.
I exercised 2 days...but today I didn't...there are no excuses. However, I did sit with the samurai and work out our finances for the month. We mapped out all of our expenses and where we bled money this month. we also discovered that if we did this money thing with some thought and planning instead of being all check card trigger happy, we do have the potential to save money to do the upgrades on the house etc.   So small moves to making financial gains.
onward.

Thought: The best laid plans can always be waylaid by mac and cheese

Weight:  276.2 +1.6

I feel:  a little more determined

An old friend of mine once said that dragging himself out of depression and a filthy house took "a lot of getting really pissed off at yourself". I spent some time today talking about this idea. Nobody is going to come and save me. I am not majickally going to get a personal trainer. I have to do this and I am a lazy girl alot of the time...and it infuriates me. I am sure this is going to begin to come out in my posts at some point.

Outside my window...

dark and damp. It rained all day.

I am thinking...

so many things...do I go back to school? Should I go back to the classroom? How do we get our own business moving? Why am I so lazy? Why did I get the macaroni and cheese...why didn't I say green beans instead? money money money....

I am thankful …

for my samurai, my friends, my mother and father, my home and my work...my education, my skills and my cooking ability. I am thankful that I haven't had a heart attack.

From the workout rooms...

I have not exercised today. And...we went to eat dinner at Luby's...but I got the grilled chicken breast instead of the fried fish! However, samurai and I are switching off computers in a minute and I am going to work out.

...and I worked out...haha! Netflix is awesome and I did part of a salsa dance workout that kicked my ass until I turned it off. Then I turned on a 15 minute dance workout that kept moving you through 3 speed intervals. It was a challenge but I did it!! woohoo! And I'm sweaty! I moved the bed over to the wall to give myself room. I feel good because I flaked and babied out this morning and yesterday I just plain flaked. Onward...

From the kitchen...

issues today with following my menu: I woke up really early, before 5, and pissed around. Went back to bed at 6 am and snoozed til 7...so...i didn't pack my salad and cottage cheese with fruit like I was supposed to because I was running so late.

Excuses...instead I took a leftover grilled chicken breast from Monday's BBQ, left over zucchini salad, 2 zucchini fritters and some tzatziki sauce.

dinner was supposed to be a chopped steak, carrot, cucumber and parsley salad, a small serving of white rice with a yogurt and grape dessert...instead we ate at Luby's. I did well with the chicken and broccoli...but I got mac and cheese.

It's the temptation and it is too new and I am too weak.

Brush myself off and re-plan for tomorrow! Onward!

Tomorrow's menu includes:

• coffee, 1 egg, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 1 banana for breakfast. 
• Salad for lunch, with cottage cheese and canned tropical fruit, no juice, 1 can coke 
• Dinner will be chopped steak with baked garlicky potato wedges and a small salad, with iced tea

I am wearing...

bra panties and flip-flops...hey I was sweating after working out!!

I am creating...

new habits right now...toward an upgraded version of myself...nothing artistic and that needs to change soon. I have a lot of work and education related creative thoughts that I need to act on. Samurai and I decided that we are going to take time every evening to do one household thing like cleaning something or putting something away, and to do one creative thing as well. Small steps to living a fuller life and keeping a neater house.

I am going...

a little FB crazy at work. I need to refocus and get on target with the things I have going on professionally. My job is so not hard and I need to quit procrastinating and just do steady work in the mornings so I can coast later...

I am reading...

girls with slingshots

a lot about PhD programs

diet tips, recipes, inspirational weight loss stories...lap band websites.

I am hoping...

that I have the balls to finally do this for myself because I want to live better and feel better and get off damn high blood pressure medication and can prove to myself that I can work hard thru the rough patches and that I will not give up on this.

I am hearing...

All 80s on iTunes

Around the house...

Samurai is in the bedroom playing video games and I can hear it slightly...the kitchen is still messy from the bbq monday and I have not cleaned. The bedroom needs a serious straightening up...there are clothes everywhere. We have cobwebs.

A picture I am sharing:

Thought: If I really want to do this, then I really have to work.

Weight: 274.6

I Feel: unsettled

...ain't that the truth. This is going to be hard and I am just so bad with hard. But the truth is...and I only admit this to myself in my darkest secrets...I never follow thru on anything. So many things running thru my mind upon writing that. Truth hurts...so what am I going to do about it? I have to be a grown up and tackle this, right? Be smart about it and work my way through it.

All the research I have read says you have to journal and keep a food diary. You have to track yourself and create goals. I know all about this stuff, but I never do it. I have been teaching it for years; counselor heal thyself.  Quit your bitching and start a revolution.

So here we go.

I am keeping a detailed hand written journal where I am tracking the date, my thought, my weight and how I feel. I am also using the journal to plan my weekly menus, and track my food intake and exercise. Some of this information I will be sharing here. In an effort to get the ball moving, I worked on my vision, mission and goals today as well as planning the menu for the week...but I did not exercise. I also ate a lot. Holidays and weekends are my challenges. But I digress...here is a basic breakdown of my goal setting process. I sat and gave myself time to think about each of these and let words and images come to me. Once I had a good idea in my mind, I began to write.

Vision is your Long range goal; a far away destination that you are working and moving toward.

Mission is the path you are taking to get there.

Goals are the steps you are taking along the way.

To share some of my brainstorming with you:

Vision: Strong, financially independent, fit, healthy, active woman, partner, mother, friend, who works hard and plays harder teaching at a university and selling our art, crafts and designs.

Mission: Take an active role in my life by exercising and challenging my body, fueling it with healthy, home cooked food, watching my spending and saving and planning activities with my friends and loved ones.

Goals: 1. Lose 20 lbs by 10-23-10.

            2. Make it thru 6 weeks of Jillian's 30 Day Shred

            3. Plan menus by week and cook nearly  everything that goes in my mouth.

            4. Pay bills on time. Save all cash in majick money jar. Move any money left at the end of month to savings account.

In order for goals to be reachable, they need to meet a few criteria. They need to be SMARTER.

S     Simple, specific and significant

M    Measurable, motivational and manageable

A     Attainable, appropriate, achievable

R     Relevant, Realistic, Results-focused
T     Time-bound, Trackable, Tangible
E     Evaluate, Ethical, Engaging
R     Reward, Reassess, Revisit

I looked over my goals, and I think I have done a pretty good job of creating some reachable, tangible and measurable goals. I am being specific and intentional in what I want to do. If I am going to change my way of living, my motivation and my habits, I will need to be very intentional in all that I do.


I went on to outline my short term goal, my timeline, and a basic plan of action.
Short term goal: lose 20 lbs by 10-23-10
Time: 6 weeks-42 days
Basic Plan:

• modified 3-day diet on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for 6 weeks.
• 30 Day Shred/walk/elliptical-daily
• breakfast everyday
• salad/light lunch daily
• cook all dinners

To tie it all together, I asked myself: How does this help my long term goals, mission and vision?
Dedicating myself to this 6 week goal will start me on the path toward regular daily activity and a craving for exercise. Planning my menus will help me be organized in my kitchen and shopping-buying only what we need. Healthy eating is a necessity now and only I can control what goes into my mouth to fuel my body. I have to do this to be in control of my health and my body...of my life; to be a mother and to live a strong, long life. To die a good death.


There...it is out on the interwebs now, homepickles, so add accountability to that list...
Wish me luck!