Thought: Back in the saddle again: I don't think I like the Saddle...

9-16-10
Weight: 269.2

I feel: Challenged and Smiley
9-17-10
Weight: 268.6
I feel: pleased!
9-20-10
Weight: 273.2
I feel: bloated, not surprised, deflated but still strong

9-22-10
Weight: 268.8

I feel: Good!

9-23-10
Weight: 268.8

I feel: Good!

10-4-10

265.8

I feel:  tired

10-11-10

Weight: 274.3

I feel: bloated...11 lbs? seriously?

but I like saddlebags even less!!

so let's talk about what went wrong here...

9-23 was a Thursday and probably the last day I worked out...before I changed the name, this blog was entitled 'hoorah for the weekend warrior: hoowie for the weekend weakling' because I was frustrated with how hard it is to get my ass moving for ANYTHING much less working out on the weekend! But now it has become more than that. I am just struggling with my motivation PERIOD! As you can see, I have had this entry going for quite some time now. In the last couple of weeks I have been drained at work. I was still trying to work out every day and sticking to it, but after the work out and making dinner, I had no energy to blog. I would literally sit in front of the computer too tired to type...(of course I didn't have any problem sitting in front of the computer playing cafe world...LOL) "takes alot of getting really pissed off at yourself..."

On 9-29 I left on a work trip to Anaheim CA with 8 students and my boss. The trip was awesome and once again reaffirmed and terrified me in my thoughts on starting a PhD program. I did not work out at all while there. I ate well, as the conference provided 3 squares a day...no snacking really...and alot of water and tea. That is why my weight was still down when I got back on the 3rd and weighed in on the 4th. I was really happy that day.

So...how did I manage to gain 11 lbs in one week? I can blame this on a few things:

• I haven't gotten back into working out since I got back.
• I have been drinking alot of soda.
• I have been eating like a pig.
• I got really bad allergies last week and had to take a prednisone steriod pack to get my allergies under control. I don't know but I think it made me eat even more. It was like I was ravenous all the time!
• I am out of my high blood pressure medication, 3 days now, so I am retaining water.

I haven't been keeping my food diary at all either. Overall I am totally sucking at this weightloss thing right now. But you know what? I am the only one that can fix it. I am the only one that can get back up from this stumble. I am the only one that can decide to turn on the workout videos when I get home tonight. I am the only one that can control how much I eat, what I eat, and how often. And the more and the more that I do it, the easier it will be the next time I stumble.

Thanks for listening.

Thought: Mindfulness doesn't mean thinking about my weight all the time.

Weight: 271.2 -2

I feel: optimistic...and a little sore

Mindfulness is a form of focus. When you are mindful, you are in the moment. You are aware.
I am trying to incorporate this trait into my everyday life. You see, this journey isn't only about my eating habits or that I don't exercise. I am looking at changing my lifestlye and way of handling my day to day life. The more I am mindful about all the things I have going on, the more control I feel.  I am starting small, with the physical, and am hoping that branches out into more. Journaling helps as it gets me into the self analysis mode.
Today I tried to be mindful of my breathing and my walking/posture when walking. I also paid close attention to how I moved and breathed during my workout today. I tried to listen to my body as iI moved around. I have bad knees and my hips hurt sometimes too as I am dancing around...but I am able to battle through. I was mindful and focused on the steps, where my feet were supposed to go. I felt the sweat dripping down my face, neck and body. I felt my muscles tighten and stretch. I am not in pain...I am just moving parts that need some oil.

I am pleased with myself today. I continue to get supportive notes from my friends, some of whom have decided to start blogs of their own. I am happy that I have kept up with the workouts.
Good notes:

• I drank a 32 oz bottle of H2O and half of another today. I also stopped drinking sodas.
• Tankgirl and I met with the advisor for a PhD program we are looking into. I felt...serious, adult, smart and a little intimidated...not by the people...but by the thought of the immanence and size of this monster.
• I am starting to pay attention to labels

Overall I am feeling good. I am happy too.
Onward.

Thought: I'm doing something wrong...I'm doing something wrong...

Weight: 276.2 + 4.1

I feel: ugh! like such a loser!

This was all I wrote last night. A title...my weight...my emotions.

If I am going to get better and really do battle with this demon, then I need to analyze what went wrong. That is my task for today.

• 
  
  I lack intrinsic motivation.
• 
  
  I allow myself to get distracted from my goal.
• 
  
  I rationalize that I can skip, miss, or cheat.
• 
  
  I lose control of my eating.

How did these things play in my actions and behaviors?

I stopped exercising. Only did it 2 days, Tuesday and Wednesday. I haven't exercised other than some great sex...which is nice of course, but not going to get me great thighs alone. Why? I used the 'I'm too tired' excuse the first night. However, I did work on that budget, which is a plus; that doesn't mean I couldn't have continued on to exercise later that evening. The following days and weekend were just easier to ignore the nagging thought that I should be doing something with my body.

I basically went off my diet...did some sticking to the plan but for the most part...not at all...and I binged...the ugly secret that I have only talked about in detail with my best friend, TankGirl. I have grazed over it with my mom and talked about it with Samurai...talked to the counselors at my former job about it. Emotional eating's ugly cousin, Binge Non-Purge Disorder. I ate when no one was looking. I ate when Samurai was gone. I ate when he was playing x-box and wasn't paying attention. I even caught myself thinking, "what can I eat that he won't notice." and when I tried to stop and analyze that...confront it...I made a peanut butter and jelly sammich instead. This is going to be a big demon to conquer, and heal. I don't know if I am ready, but I don't think I have a choice at this point. 276 is close to 280 and that is frightening to me.

I didn't plan a menu for this week. I sat at the table last night with my writing journal open...staring at the page. I was feeling dejected and fat and sleepy. I figured I would conquer this animal today. I started the day with cheerios and milk, I have had some coffee, and I brought Progresso Soup for lunch. I just found out that I am going to have to save the soup for tomorrow because I have a lunch meeting before a big staff meeting at 2pm. We will be going to a Mexican restaurant, so I think i will have the Chicken Caldo (soup) as that will probably be the healthiest thing on the menu...maybe a salad.

I did almost no housework this weekend. I cleaned the kitchen last night...3/4 of the way as pots and pans didn't fit in the dishwasher so I left them soaking. I ignored the laundry. I pretended the pile of clothes in the bedroom that needs to be hung up was invisible. I stepped over little piles of dirt, pet hair, papers and crap that we swept up into corners of the room but never scooped up to toss out. So many other things of course around the house that need to get done, but these are the ones I know I consciously avoided this weekend. Why? Because no one comes to my house and so I generally don't have to worry about it. This is a great excuse, but a shitty and totally non-valid reason. I don't want to live like that...I was raised better than that and I expect more from myself.

So, What am I going to do about it? I need to keep calling myself out for my choices and behaviors. I need to keep writing and talking to myself about what I am doing and why. I need to seek out the support of others that are going thru the same thing. I need to reach out to my friends so they can help me too. I need to take some time to look at each of these issues and keep digging to find the deeper issue as well. Only thru the discovery of self, the acceptance of my foibles, and true effort to create change in myself will I be able to reach my short and long term goals.

Onward and Upward.