Thought: I think I look pretty good after 20 years

no weigh in or exploration of feelings right now...just thinking before I go back to watching our ongoing run through of every season of Battlestar Galactica on netflix.

My 20 year reunion was a blast. I had such a good time and didn't think about my thighs once. Some friends looked as great as they did in HS. others looked even better! and some looked different...whether it be weight gain, bad hair or makeup, facial hair, bald heads, greys....but you know what? it didn't matter.
not one bit.

I had a blast! and now I am suffering through the sinus infection to prove it. LOL
Gosh this has been a horrible month of allergies and illness for me. so no exercising yet this week, or watching my intake as it has consisted of little debbie nutty buddies, buffalo chicken nuggets and totino's pizza left over from the food we bought for samurai's boy to eat as he house watched for us (an exercise in independence (; ) and chicken soup from various asian restaurants.

on a good note, the jillian anderson 30 day shred landed this weekend. so I am going to start it next week. I'm scared. haha!

onward.

Thought: doesn't mean I am giving up

10-22-10
Weight: 269.4

I feel: a little defeated

Well, my reunion is tomorrow and I am nowhere near my goal. That does not mean I am giving up. 

Back on it next week.

Thought: Back in the saddle again: I don't think I like the Saddle...

9-16-10
Weight: 269.2

I feel: Challenged and Smiley
9-17-10
Weight: 268.6
I feel: pleased!
9-20-10
Weight: 273.2
I feel: bloated, not surprised, deflated but still strong

9-22-10
Weight: 268.8

I feel: Good!

9-23-10
Weight: 268.8

I feel: Good!

10-4-10

265.8

I feel:  tired

10-11-10

Weight: 274.3

I feel: bloated...11 lbs? seriously?

but I like saddlebags even less!!

so let's talk about what went wrong here...

9-23 was a Thursday and probably the last day I worked out...before I changed the name, this blog was entitled 'hoorah for the weekend warrior: hoowie for the weekend weakling' because I was frustrated with how hard it is to get my ass moving for ANYTHING much less working out on the weekend! But now it has become more than that. I am just struggling with my motivation PERIOD! As you can see, I have had this entry going for quite some time now. In the last couple of weeks I have been drained at work. I was still trying to work out every day and sticking to it, but after the work out and making dinner, I had no energy to blog. I would literally sit in front of the computer too tired to type...(of course I didn't have any problem sitting in front of the computer playing cafe world...LOL) "takes alot of getting really pissed off at yourself..."

On 9-29 I left on a work trip to Anaheim CA with 8 students and my boss. The trip was awesome and once again reaffirmed and terrified me in my thoughts on starting a PhD program. I did not work out at all while there. I ate well, as the conference provided 3 squares a day...no snacking really...and alot of water and tea. That is why my weight was still down when I got back on the 3rd and weighed in on the 4th. I was really happy that day.

So...how did I manage to gain 11 lbs in one week? I can blame this on a few things:

• I haven't gotten back into working out since I got back.
• I have been drinking alot of soda.
• I have been eating like a pig.
• I got really bad allergies last week and had to take a prednisone steriod pack to get my allergies under control. I don't know but I think it made me eat even more. It was like I was ravenous all the time!
• I am out of my high blood pressure medication, 3 days now, so I am retaining water.

I haven't been keeping my food diary at all either. Overall I am totally sucking at this weightloss thing right now. But you know what? I am the only one that can fix it. I am the only one that can get back up from this stumble. I am the only one that can decide to turn on the workout videos when I get home tonight. I am the only one that can control how much I eat, what I eat, and how often. And the more and the more that I do it, the easier it will be the next time I stumble.

Thanks for listening.

Thought: Again with the damn best laid plans...

Weight: 272.1 -4.1

I feel: confuzzled

Wednesday Sept. 8, 2010-just realized I never posted this...duh!!
How do you lose 4 pounds in one day?
high blood pressure medication + diuretic = pee all day

So I know it's all water fluctuations but I am still stoked because I am that much closer to getting back under 270.  I didn't mention this before, but although I committed myself to my goal on Labor Day, I have been working on this effort since early August. It took 3 weeks of mediocre effort to convice me I was going to have to attack this in the way all the experts say will work, the way I KNOW this will work, and the way I totally didn't want to do this because it takes EFFORT and I am lazy. :)
ugh with the honesty, even...
but this is how we grow.
So, 4 weeks ago, I started walking every morning for a week and started a Workout Wednesday with my best friend at her house. I took a salad for lunch every day and was trying to be more mindful of what I ate. Then the weekend hit, I didn't walk...I didn't go grocery shopping so we ate out...blah blah and so the excuses begin for why I laxed, haven't walked, missed Workout Wednesdays. Excuses is what I call it...but in reality, it is just easier to say...eh fuck it.
However, the small amount that I did complete got me down to 267 for 3 consecutive days. That was significant to me.
Honestly, just getting that 7 to change to a 6 and stay that way for awhile is going to feel so good. I am angry at myself for letting my weight get this out of control. I rationalized for years that I looked basically the same and I was just fluctuating the same 10 pounds over and over. But those 10 pounds brought me from 240 in 2002 all the way to 272.1 in 2010. My base weight is getting higher and higher.
I exercised 2 days...but today I didn't...there are no excuses. However, I did sit with the samurai and work out our finances for the month. We mapped out all of our expenses and where we bled money this month. we also discovered that if we did this money thing with some thought and planning instead of being all check card trigger happy, we do have the potential to save money to do the upgrades on the house etc.   So small moves to making financial gains.
onward.

Thought: The best laid plans can always be waylaid by mac and cheese

Weight:  276.2 +1.6

I feel:  a little more determined

An old friend of mine once said that dragging himself out of depression and a filthy house took "a lot of getting really pissed off at yourself". I spent some time today talking about this idea. Nobody is going to come and save me. I am not majickally going to get a personal trainer. I have to do this and I am a lazy girl alot of the time...and it infuriates me. I am sure this is going to begin to come out in my posts at some point.

Outside my window...

dark and damp. It rained all day.

I am thinking...

so many things...do I go back to school? Should I go back to the classroom? How do we get our own business moving? Why am I so lazy? Why did I get the macaroni and cheese...why didn't I say green beans instead? money money money....

I am thankful …

for my samurai, my friends, my mother and father, my home and my work...my education, my skills and my cooking ability. I am thankful that I haven't had a heart attack.

From the workout rooms...

I have not exercised today. And...we went to eat dinner at Luby's...but I got the grilled chicken breast instead of the fried fish! However, samurai and I are switching off computers in a minute and I am going to work out.

...and I worked out...haha! Netflix is awesome and I did part of a salsa dance workout that kicked my ass until I turned it off. Then I turned on a 15 minute dance workout that kept moving you through 3 speed intervals. It was a challenge but I did it!! woohoo! And I'm sweaty! I moved the bed over to the wall to give myself room. I feel good because I flaked and babied out this morning and yesterday I just plain flaked. Onward...

From the kitchen...

issues today with following my menu: I woke up really early, before 5, and pissed around. Went back to bed at 6 am and snoozed til 7...so...i didn't pack my salad and cottage cheese with fruit like I was supposed to because I was running so late.

Excuses...instead I took a leftover grilled chicken breast from Monday's BBQ, left over zucchini salad, 2 zucchini fritters and some tzatziki sauce.

dinner was supposed to be a chopped steak, carrot, cucumber and parsley salad, a small serving of white rice with a yogurt and grape dessert...instead we ate at Luby's. I did well with the chicken and broccoli...but I got mac and cheese.

It's the temptation and it is too new and I am too weak.

Brush myself off and re-plan for tomorrow! Onward!

Tomorrow's menu includes:

• coffee, 1 egg, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 1 banana for breakfast. 
• Salad for lunch, with cottage cheese and canned tropical fruit, no juice, 1 can coke 
• Dinner will be chopped steak with baked garlicky potato wedges and a small salad, with iced tea

I am wearing...

bra panties and flip-flops...hey I was sweating after working out!!

I am creating...

new habits right now...toward an upgraded version of myself...nothing artistic and that needs to change soon. I have a lot of work and education related creative thoughts that I need to act on. Samurai and I decided that we are going to take time every evening to do one household thing like cleaning something or putting something away, and to do one creative thing as well. Small steps to living a fuller life and keeping a neater house.

I am going...

a little FB crazy at work. I need to refocus and get on target with the things I have going on professionally. My job is so not hard and I need to quit procrastinating and just do steady work in the mornings so I can coast later...

I am reading...

girls with slingshots

a lot about PhD programs

diet tips, recipes, inspirational weight loss stories...lap band websites.

I am hoping...

that I have the balls to finally do this for myself because I want to live better and feel better and get off damn high blood pressure medication and can prove to myself that I can work hard thru the rough patches and that I will not give up on this.

I am hearing...

All 80s on iTunes

Around the house...

Samurai is in the bedroom playing video games and I can hear it slightly...the kitchen is still messy from the bbq monday and I have not cleaned. The bedroom needs a serious straightening up...there are clothes everywhere. We have cobwebs.

A picture I am sharing:

Thought: If I really want to do this, then I really have to work.

Weight: 274.6

I Feel: unsettled

...ain't that the truth. This is going to be hard and I am just so bad with hard. But the truth is...and I only admit this to myself in my darkest secrets...I never follow thru on anything. So many things running thru my mind upon writing that. Truth hurts...so what am I going to do about it? I have to be a grown up and tackle this, right? Be smart about it and work my way through it.

All the research I have read says you have to journal and keep a food diary. You have to track yourself and create goals. I know all about this stuff, but I never do it. I have been teaching it for years; counselor heal thyself.  Quit your bitching and start a revolution.

So here we go.

I am keeping a detailed hand written journal where I am tracking the date, my thought, my weight and how I feel. I am also using the journal to plan my weekly menus, and track my food intake and exercise. Some of this information I will be sharing here. In an effort to get the ball moving, I worked on my vision, mission and goals today as well as planning the menu for the week...but I did not exercise. I also ate a lot. Holidays and weekends are my challenges. But I digress...here is a basic breakdown of my goal setting process. I sat and gave myself time to think about each of these and let words and images come to me. Once I had a good idea in my mind, I began to write.

Vision is your Long range goal; a far away destination that you are working and moving toward.

Mission is the path you are taking to get there.

Goals are the steps you are taking along the way.

To share some of my brainstorming with you:

Vision: Strong, financially independent, fit, healthy, active woman, partner, mother, friend, who works hard and plays harder teaching at a university and selling our art, crafts and designs.

Mission: Take an active role in my life by exercising and challenging my body, fueling it with healthy, home cooked food, watching my spending and saving and planning activities with my friends and loved ones.

Goals: 1. Lose 20 lbs by 10-23-10.

            2. Make it thru 6 weeks of Jillian's 30 Day Shred

            3. Plan menus by week and cook nearly  everything that goes in my mouth.

            4. Pay bills on time. Save all cash in majick money jar. Move any money left at the end of month to savings account.

In order for goals to be reachable, they need to meet a few criteria. They need to be SMARTER.

S     Simple, specific and significant

M    Measurable, motivational and manageable

A     Attainable, appropriate, achievable

R     Relevant, Realistic, Results-focused
T     Time-bound, Trackable, Tangible
E     Evaluate, Ethical, Engaging
R     Reward, Reassess, Revisit

I looked over my goals, and I think I have done a pretty good job of creating some reachable, tangible and measurable goals. I am being specific and intentional in what I want to do. If I am going to change my way of living, my motivation and my habits, I will need to be very intentional in all that I do.


I went on to outline my short term goal, my timeline, and a basic plan of action.
Short term goal: lose 20 lbs by 10-23-10
Time: 6 weeks-42 days
Basic Plan:

• modified 3-day diet on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for 6 weeks.
• 30 Day Shred/walk/elliptical-daily
• breakfast everyday
• salad/light lunch daily
• cook all dinners

To tie it all together, I asked myself: How does this help my long term goals, mission and vision?
Dedicating myself to this 6 week goal will start me on the path toward regular daily activity and a craving for exercise. Planning my menus will help me be organized in my kitchen and shopping-buying only what we need. Healthy eating is a necessity now and only I can control what goes into my mouth to fuel my body. I have to do this to be in control of my health and my body...of my life; to be a mother and to live a strong, long life. To die a good death.


There...it is out on the interwebs now, homepickles, so add accountability to that list...
Wish me luck!