Thought: I think I look pretty good after 20 years

no weigh in or exploration of feelings right now...just thinking before I go back to watching our ongoing run through of every season of Battlestar Galactica on netflix.

My 20 year reunion was a blast. I had such a good time and didn't think about my thighs once. Some friends looked as great as they did in HS. others looked even better! and some looked different...whether it be weight gain, bad hair or makeup, facial hair, bald heads, greys....but you know what? it didn't matter.
not one bit.

I had a blast! and now I am suffering through the sinus infection to prove it. LOL
Gosh this has been a horrible month of allergies and illness for me. so no exercising yet this week, or watching my intake as it has consisted of little debbie nutty buddies, buffalo chicken nuggets and totino's pizza left over from the food we bought for samurai's boy to eat as he house watched for us (an exercise in independence (; ) and chicken soup from various asian restaurants.

on a good note, the jillian anderson 30 day shred landed this weekend. so I am going to start it next week. I'm scared. haha!

onward.

Thought: doesn't mean I am giving up

10-22-10
Weight: 269.4

I feel: a little defeated

Well, my reunion is tomorrow and I am nowhere near my goal. That does not mean I am giving up. 

Back on it next week.

Thought: Back in the saddle again: I don't think I like the Saddle...

9-16-10
Weight: 269.2

I feel: Challenged and Smiley
9-17-10
Weight: 268.6
I feel: pleased!
9-20-10
Weight: 273.2
I feel: bloated, not surprised, deflated but still strong

9-22-10
Weight: 268.8

I feel: Good!

9-23-10
Weight: 268.8

I feel: Good!

10-4-10

265.8

I feel:  tired

10-11-10

Weight: 274.3

I feel: bloated...11 lbs? seriously?

but I like saddlebags even less!!

so let's talk about what went wrong here...

9-23 was a Thursday and probably the last day I worked out...before I changed the name, this blog was entitled 'hoorah for the weekend warrior: hoowie for the weekend weakling' because I was frustrated with how hard it is to get my ass moving for ANYTHING much less working out on the weekend! But now it has become more than that. I am just struggling with my motivation PERIOD! As you can see, I have had this entry going for quite some time now. In the last couple of weeks I have been drained at work. I was still trying to work out every day and sticking to it, but after the work out and making dinner, I had no energy to blog. I would literally sit in front of the computer too tired to type...(of course I didn't have any problem sitting in front of the computer playing cafe world...LOL) "takes alot of getting really pissed off at yourself..."

On 9-29 I left on a work trip to Anaheim CA with 8 students and my boss. The trip was awesome and once again reaffirmed and terrified me in my thoughts on starting a PhD program. I did not work out at all while there. I ate well, as the conference provided 3 squares a day...no snacking really...and alot of water and tea. That is why my weight was still down when I got back on the 3rd and weighed in on the 4th. I was really happy that day.

So...how did I manage to gain 11 lbs in one week? I can blame this on a few things:

• I haven't gotten back into working out since I got back.
• I have been drinking alot of soda.
• I have been eating like a pig.
• I got really bad allergies last week and had to take a prednisone steriod pack to get my allergies under control. I don't know but I think it made me eat even more. It was like I was ravenous all the time!
• I am out of my high blood pressure medication, 3 days now, so I am retaining water.

I haven't been keeping my food diary at all either. Overall I am totally sucking at this weightloss thing right now. But you know what? I am the only one that can fix it. I am the only one that can get back up from this stumble. I am the only one that can decide to turn on the workout videos when I get home tonight. I am the only one that can control how much I eat, what I eat, and how often. And the more and the more that I do it, the easier it will be the next time I stumble.

Thanks for listening.

Thought: Mindfulness doesn't mean thinking about my weight all the time.

Weight: 271.2 -2

I feel: optimistic...and a little sore

Mindfulness is a form of focus. When you are mindful, you are in the moment. You are aware.
I am trying to incorporate this trait into my everyday life. You see, this journey isn't only about my eating habits or that I don't exercise. I am looking at changing my lifestlye and way of handling my day to day life. The more I am mindful about all the things I have going on, the more control I feel.  I am starting small, with the physical, and am hoping that branches out into more. Journaling helps as it gets me into the self analysis mode.
Today I tried to be mindful of my breathing and my walking/posture when walking. I also paid close attention to how I moved and breathed during my workout today. I tried to listen to my body as iI moved around. I have bad knees and my hips hurt sometimes too as I am dancing around...but I am able to battle through. I was mindful and focused on the steps, where my feet were supposed to go. I felt the sweat dripping down my face, neck and body. I felt my muscles tighten and stretch. I am not in pain...I am just moving parts that need some oil.

I am pleased with myself today. I continue to get supportive notes from my friends, some of whom have decided to start blogs of their own. I am happy that I have kept up with the workouts.
Good notes:

• I drank a 32 oz bottle of H2O and half of another today. I also stopped drinking sodas.
• Tankgirl and I met with the advisor for a PhD program we are looking into. I felt...serious, adult, smart and a little intimidated...not by the people...but by the thought of the immanence and size of this monster.
• I am starting to pay attention to labels

Overall I am feeling good. I am happy too.
Onward.

Thought: Every time I see a fat girl in too-tight clothes, I think to myself, "She does not have a best friend."

Weight: 273.2 -2.8

I feel: supported

Luckily...I do. More than a handful, in fact. Tankgirl, Chalkmama, PhadThai, Rowdy, Krispy and CrazyCracker are my closest friends. Each will tell you that I have picked the perfect alias for them. :)

Tankgirl has a strength only challenged by my mother's...she can bulldoze thru anything and is an inspiration.
Chalkmama is my artsy soul sister and close confidant.
PhadThai is pretty hot and dirty...haha! and a super friend that I can talk to about anything.
Rowdy likes to claim that she is not...but I know different.
Krispy is the kind of friend who really thinks about you, total sweetheart.
Crazy Cracker gave herself her own alias...because she is crazy...and I love her.

These ladies know everything there is to know about me...almost...even some of my really deep dark secrets...and they love me anyway.
I ended my blog yesterday with the statement that I needed to get my social support in place. Now this is tuff for any of you who are like me and are in denial that you are fat. :) I totally say that with love; but going out to my email, cutting & pasting a link to this, my fabulous phat foodiness, and then going thru my email list to see...who? Who can I send this to that won't be embarrassed for me? Who I know I can count on, that I won't feel judged? Who do I know I can trust with whatever secrets I put in here?  Doing that took alot of me.
But I did it and sent it out to select friends and family that I knew I could count on. And they haven't let me down. I also sent it to my Samurai. He knew I was doing this, but I hadn't let him in. I know I have to if he is going to help and support me in this.

Good news: I am back on the wagon with exercise. Did it yesterday and today, AND I almost got all the damn dance aerobics steps down. I am also doing a 10 minute kick-boxing routine that is good for my upper body. I have been a little more conscious about my food as well.

It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get up, right?
onward.