Thought: I'm doing something wrong...I'm doing something wrong...

Weight: 276.2 + 4.1

I feel: ugh! like such a loser!

This was all I wrote last night. A title...my weight...my emotions.

If I am going to get better and really do battle with this demon, then I need to analyze what went wrong. That is my task for today.

• 
  
  I lack intrinsic motivation.
• 
  
  I allow myself to get distracted from my goal.
• 
  
  I rationalize that I can skip, miss, or cheat.
• 
  
  I lose control of my eating.

How did these things play in my actions and behaviors?

I stopped exercising. Only did it 2 days, Tuesday and Wednesday. I haven't exercised other than some great sex...which is nice of course, but not going to get me great thighs alone. Why? I used the 'I'm too tired' excuse the first night. However, I did work on that budget, which is a plus; that doesn't mean I couldn't have continued on to exercise later that evening. The following days and weekend were just easier to ignore the nagging thought that I should be doing something with my body.

I basically went off my diet...did some sticking to the plan but for the most part...not at all...and I binged...the ugly secret that I have only talked about in detail with my best friend, TankGirl. I have grazed over it with my mom and talked about it with Samurai...talked to the counselors at my former job about it. Emotional eating's ugly cousin, Binge Non-Purge Disorder. I ate when no one was looking. I ate when Samurai was gone. I ate when he was playing x-box and wasn't paying attention. I even caught myself thinking, "what can I eat that he won't notice." and when I tried to stop and analyze that...confront it...I made a peanut butter and jelly sammich instead. This is going to be a big demon to conquer, and heal. I don't know if I am ready, but I don't think I have a choice at this point. 276 is close to 280 and that is frightening to me.

I didn't plan a menu for this week. I sat at the table last night with my writing journal open...staring at the page. I was feeling dejected and fat and sleepy. I figured I would conquer this animal today. I started the day with cheerios and milk, I have had some coffee, and I brought Progresso Soup for lunch. I just found out that I am going to have to save the soup for tomorrow because I have a lunch meeting before a big staff meeting at 2pm. We will be going to a Mexican restaurant, so I think i will have the Chicken Caldo (soup) as that will probably be the healthiest thing on the menu...maybe a salad.

I did almost no housework this weekend. I cleaned the kitchen last night...3/4 of the way as pots and pans didn't fit in the dishwasher so I left them soaking. I ignored the laundry. I pretended the pile of clothes in the bedroom that needs to be hung up was invisible. I stepped over little piles of dirt, pet hair, papers and crap that we swept up into corners of the room but never scooped up to toss out. So many other things of course around the house that need to get done, but these are the ones I know I consciously avoided this weekend. Why? Because no one comes to my house and so I generally don't have to worry about it. This is a great excuse, but a shitty and totally non-valid reason. I don't want to live like that...I was raised better than that and I expect more from myself.

So, What am I going to do about it? I need to keep calling myself out for my choices and behaviors. I need to keep writing and talking to myself about what I am doing and why. I need to seek out the support of others that are going thru the same thing. I need to reach out to my friends so they can help me too. I need to take some time to look at each of these issues and keep digging to find the deeper issue as well. Only thru the discovery of self, the acceptance of my foibles, and true effort to create change in myself will I be able to reach my short and long term goals.

Onward and Upward.